Even though I moved my blog to my web site, http://www.gettingrealwithhilary.com, I am writing on this one anyway.
For some reason I feel safer over here.
We are doing a social media blitz for my book and YouTube channel, and there are links to my web site where the new blog is. Typing over there just feels like it’s public and more exposed.
While that doesn’t really make sense, that’s the way it feels. Over here, I feel like I can still kind of hide out, so I can BE REALLY REAL. And that’s funny since my web site and YouTube channel are called “Getting Real with Hilary.” Very ironic.
Also, since I’ve been working with my interns, I think I’ve been trying to “get it right.” I have been more self-conscious and inhibited. Which is totally NOT WHY I LIKE TO DO THESE THINGS.
I like doing them because I can be myself. But, I know that, from time to time, I get some well-meaning advice, pull in, get careful, and eventually stop recording and writing. Because it stops being fun and free.
Tonight I am outing myself. Now I’m BACK!!!
I’m tired of trying to get it right. Today I had one of those days. I was just in a fucked up funk. And, I was making myself wrong for ALL OF IT.
I got into bed early and just lied there feeling pathetic, alone, hopeless and stuck. Here’s what was repeating in my brain very loudly:
“I can’t stand this.” I just wanted to leave the area. Run away. Get away from everything, especially the person I will today call Julius.
Julius was visiting and he didn’t feel well. He said he was leaving.
“I hate when you go,” I said.
“If YOU didn’t feel well, I would tell you to go home and take care of yourself,” he said.
“Well, it’s different for you. That’s not how I feel.”
That conversation stuck in my craw.
I couldn’t stand it. All day I couldn’t stand the way I felt. Finally, tossing and turning I decided to re-enact whatever incident came to me.
“Don’t be upset,” my mother said when I was little.
“Something is wrong with me,” my little brain said. “And I can’t be loved the way I am.”
Tonight in bed, I got to see that I made up the meaning of “don’t be upset.” I really collapsed it. I said it to myself over and over until I could see that all my mom said was “don’t be upset.” She didn’t say the rest, but I’ve been living like it was true. When Julius said what he would do, it triggered the thoughts and I couldn’t stand it. I literally couldn’t stand feeling that way.
I was also suffering over “I can’t have what I want.” I traced that one back to another incident.
I wanted to go to the concert and I didn’t go to the concert – I made that mean “I can’t have what I want.” I suffered over that one today, too. Tonight I could see it didn’t mean anything. I just didn’t go to the concert.
This was amazing to see. I was in such a FUNK because of the meaning I had attached to these events. When I finally just allowed my funk and got to see what I was telling myself and where it originated, I could create freedom.
I wish I had done it 8 hours earlier, but I didn’t. I guess the suffering made it more powerful.
Well, hopefully now I can go to sleep.
Thanks for listening and don’t forget to subscribe to my new location at http://www.gettingrealwithhilary.com.