UGH

I just found out my son made a not so good choice last night.

I’m trying not to make him wrong.

I’m hoping there are not consequences to his action.

What else can I do?

I told him that I want to be able to trust his decisions. That I want to believe in him.

I guess what I didn’t say is that I don’t.

I think he’s careless and thoughtless. Chasing fun and not necessarily what I think he should be chasing.

He’s 23 and a grown up. He’s old enough to make his own decisions.

Or is he?

Did I do stupid things when I was young?

Absolutely.

Were there any that left a permanent consequence?

Let me think.

Probably. But none that jump out. There was a club med when I was with more guys than I would like to admit to. There were nights that I drank too much and may have ended up with someone I didn’t know and didn’t remember. One night especially where I could have died. I woke up having thrown up in my bed. I was lucky I didn’t choke. I know, gross.

I was lucky many times. I walked through Harlem alone one night cause I was mad at a guy. I figured I was safe because I had such a nasty snarl on my face. Who was gonna mess with me?

I was lucky. I hope my son is too.

What can I do? I can pray. I can speak in a way that doesn’t make him wrong. I can pray that he will listen. That he won’t do the opposite like I used to do to my mom.

I guess he’s still a kid. Figuring out life. I can make sure he knows I love him unconditionally no matter how stupid he is.

OK, let’s try that again. I can make sure he knows I love him unconditionally.

That’s better, isn’t it? And I can say what can’t be said. “You fucking scare me sometimes with your lack of concern for possible consequences.”

That is being honest. Now I can breathe freely. That’s what I didn’t say.

OK, thanks. It helps me to work through this stuff. Otherwise I’m just stuck in uncomfortable body sensations and nasty thoughts. I feel way better. I’m going to go talk to him.

Have a great Sunday.

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