Saying What Can’t Be Said

I love that some of you are reading my blog. That I have grown from 7 followers to 12. My goal is 1000 loyal followers. This is a start. I’ve almost doubled. Thank you for reading and following.

My initiative is “saying what can’t be said.” And I’m afraid to say something. For the usual reasons:

I don’t want to upset anyone.

I don’t think I should say it.

I don’t think I should be upset in the first place.

I’ve tried communicating my upsets before and it hasn’t worked. People get afraid to speak cause they might upset me. They get cautious. Our relationship suffers. It sucks for both of us.

I’m apologizing ahead of time in case I mess it up again. But in the spirit of the title, here goes:

I love that a few of you have made comments over the time I’ve had this blog. It means you are reading it and enjoying it. So thank you.

And, there are certain types of comments that get in my head and fuck me up. And it’s not your fault. It’s my shit that’s triggered.

And triggered I have been. So this is my attempt to work through it publicly to give me and others freedom. And since my past attempts have reduced freedom, I’m a little nervous.

Enough caveats and warnings?

OK. This kind of trigger is not new for me. When someone gives me coaching or advice or comments that I have not asked for, I don’t like it. I interpret it as a criticism, even if it’s not meant that way. And I go south.

My “I shouldn’t be the way I am” and “trying to get it right so as not to be criticized” get kicked in.

Historically, instead of speaking up and saying something to get beyond it, I stay quiet, resent the person who made the comment, and decide they are not a friend but a foe (to quote the Nemo movie) and just eliminate them from my life.

This is all under the surface of my consciousness. I don’t do it knowingly, I just do it.

During my childhood I was told not to be upset. I thought if I was upset, there was something wrong with me. So I didn’t tell anyone. I waited until it passed. I was “fine.”

It was my fault if I was upset. A character flaw. I was just “too sensitive.” So I stayed quiet. Why would I say something and let someone see my shame? Unknowingly, instead, I just cut the person out of my life. They obviously didn’t like me in my mind. If they did, they wouldn’t be criticizing me. So I stayed away from them.

You can imagine that I would have eliminated many people. Eventually I would take something wrong and they’d be eliminated. Not good for making friends, is it?

I don’t know if you follow that logic, but it makes sense to me since I was the one living it.

Working this out is very helpful. I can create a game plan.

Actions: I can “say something new” or ask the person what they meant. I can tell them what I heard. This could eliminate my negative mental energy and possibly result in being more connected.

I am doing a pilot speaking engagement in a week and a half on “saying what can’t be said.” This is great. I’m taking my own advice. What an idea!!!!

My goal is to say it in a way that creates life. Instead of suppressing the other person. Have us both feel freer.

Doing it this way is new for me.

And I may create a mess. Or maybe I won’t. It’s ok to mess things up. Better than being stuck.

Isn’t it?

Wish me luck!!!