Going On a Trip – Being Real

I only have five minutes.

All I can say is that I’m much better off when I’m not pretending.

When I can be real.

Say what I need to say and then move on.

Pretending I’m fine when I’m not is not good.

  • I eat
  • I drink
  • I make myself wrong for being how I am
  • I think everything’s my fault.
  • The world sucks
  • etc.

So why wouldn’t I just be how I am?

Good question. Probably because:

  • I think I should always be happy.
  • My mother thinks I should always be “perky.”
  • No one wants to hear my shit.
  • People will try to coach or fix me and I don’t really want to hear that.
  • Basically, my core conversation is: I shouldn’t be the way I am. So, therefore however I am is wrong if that makes sense.
  • So, I guess, since in my flawed thinking I am wrong anyway, I might as well be REAL wrong instead of PRETEND wrong.

That’s actually freeing. So thanks. Gotta get in the car to go to a wedding.

PS I’m not going to write about my encounter of the worst kind with my psycho ex. I’m just not. I’m trying to move on.

PPS OK, here’s a little bit: He acted like he was all into me and when I asked if he was still married he told me to look on-line. I figured he had finally gotten divorced.

PPPS I had six hours of fantasy before I looked. There is no case. No divorce. Nothing. He’s still very married. Fooled me again.

PPPS Well, I got hooked for 6 hours. Next time I’ll be faster. And, the truth was, I was disappointed. That’s the real truth folks. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. I was actually hoping he was free and available. I’m admitting it. Not going to pretend anymore, remember?

PPPPS OK, I told you the truth. It feels better than the anger at him and myself. I was DISAPPOINTED!!!!

PPPPPPPS Gotta go.

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