I only have five minutes.
All I can say is that I’m much better off when I’m not pretending.
When I can be real.
Say what I need to say and then move on.
Pretending I’m fine when I’m not is not good.
- I eat
- I drink
- I make myself wrong for being how I am
- I think everything’s my fault.
- The world sucks
So why wouldn’t I just be how I am?
Good question. Probably because:
- I think I should always be happy.
- My mother thinks I should always be “perky.”
- No one wants to hear my shit.
- People will try to coach or fix me and I don’t really want to hear that.
- Basically, my core conversation is: I shouldn’t be the way I am. So, therefore however I am is wrong if that makes sense.
- So, I guess, since in my flawed thinking I am wrong anyway, I might as well be REAL wrong instead of PRETEND wrong.
That’s actually freeing. So thanks. Gotta get in the car to go to a wedding.
PS I’m not going to write about my encounter of the worst kind with my psycho ex. I’m just not. I’m trying to move on.
PPS OK, here’s a little bit: He acted like he was all into me and when I asked if he was still married he told me to look on-line. I figured he had finally gotten divorced.
PPPS I had six hours of fantasy before I looked. There is no case. No divorce. Nothing. He’s still very married. Fooled me again.
PPPS Well, I got hooked for 6 hours. Next time I’ll be faster. And, the truth was, I was disappointed. That’s the real truth folks. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. I was actually hoping he was free and available. I’m admitting it. Not going to pretend anymore, remember?
PPPPS OK, I told you the truth. It feels better than the anger at him and myself. I was DISAPPOINTED!!!!
PPPPPPPS Gotta go.