Am I Willing to Be Healed?

Here’s a question I never expected to stop me in my tracks:

What if healing isn’t blocked by my body—but by a belief about who I am?

I’m working with a Reiki healer to address my 11-year leg pain. We’re bartering: she receives a top-tier sponsorship on my show, and I receive six months of healing.

Each day, I’m asked to rate my pain. I resist it. Pain isn’t fixed—it shifts throughout the day—and labeling it feels heavier than it should.

A few weeks ago, she asked me something that cracked me open:

“Do you believe it’s possible to fully heal this?”

That question stirred up thoughts I didn’t expect.

Do I believe I deserve to be hurt?
Am I unconsciously waiting for pain?

Old self-judgments surfaced—small childhood embarrassments, moments of being scolded, things I still label as “stupid.” None of them justify suffering. And yet, they linger.

Then the fears showed up:

What if I say I’m healed and the pain comes back?
What if something else starts hurting?
What if the healing stops?

I noticed a pattern: when one pain eases, another often replaces it. And I noticed something else—how easy it is to hold onto someone else as if they might save me.

Save me from what?

The only answer that makes sense goes all the way back to birth—when I couldn’t survive without intervention. That panic still lives in my body. When I feel like I can’t do something myself, it doesn’t feel emotional. It feels physical. Urgent.

My healer offered one simple practice:

Forgive yourself. Even if you didn’t really do anything wrong. Forgive yourself anyway.

That stopped me.

Because maybe healing doesn’t require more effort, more fixing, or more proving.

Maybe healing starts when I stop using pain as proof of who I am.

And maybe the real question isn’t whether healing is possible—but whether I’m willing to live without suffering as part of my identity.

So here’s where I am now:

Maybe healing starts when I stop using pain as proof of who I am—and let myself live without needing it.

I’m not done answering that yet.

But I am finally asking the right question.

Yesterday I heard something profound.

“Sharing is healing.”

For me, when I say something out loud, or write it down, something really good happens.

The thoughts come out of my head and stop being something real, shameful, or unique to me.

They get out in the world where I can do something about them.

I can decide if they are real, and see actions to take that I couldn’t see when they were just a jumbled ball of disempowerment stuck in my head.

I’m trying to think of a good example that I haven’t used before……

OK, here’s a good one. I used to have a boss named Justin. He would sometimes make fun of me and put me down in front of people. I hated it. But I didn’t say anything. I just grinned and beared it. I tried to talk myself out of feeling bad. He wasn’t a bad person. I’m sure he didn’t mean it. But no matter what I told myself, I still felt bad deep inside.

Over time, something happened. I started hating work. I didn’t want to come anymore. I started resenting Justin. I knew this wasn’t good. I was on commission, and not making many sales. I needed to do something.

I called up Justin. “Do you have a minute?”

“Yes,” he said.

I took a deep breath and blurted, “I really hate when you make fun of me in public. I don’t like it, it makes me feel stupid, and it’s making me not want to come to work. Can you please stop doing that?”

“Oh, of course, ” he said. “I’m sorry. I guess I thought I was being funny. I won’t do that anymore.”

And he didn’t. And work was no longer a problem to be endured.

I spoke up and shared how I felt. And the problem disappeared. My resentment, anger, and feeling bad was healed. In an instant.

Almost like magic.