I couldn’t figure out what to write about this week for my newsletter.
And I didn’t care.
I’m having a minor pity party. I’m disappointed about a few things and I’m going to use this blog to see where that leads me so I can create some freedom. Because that’s what I do.
Here’s where I’m at:
“I’m stupid. I should have known better than to expect something…….” and on and on. Nothing new here.
I’m allowing it, not resisting it, but there’s no freedom yet. And my brain is saying, get over it, lots of people have it worse than me. I’m reading a book about world war 1 where the inhabitants of Reims, where they make champagne, had to live underground for years. I mean, where do I get off feeling sorry for myself. I have a great life, I am looking at the water, drinking my coffee, I worked out, I’m healthy. I have wonderful children,………..
And then I found a deeper cut. IT’S MY FAULT. If I were different, I wouldn’t be disappointed, expecting something else, here alone, not getting presents for the holidays but giving many, ate too much yesterday, feeling fat, ladee dadee dah. IT’S ALL MY FAULT!!! That’s why I am suffering.
If I had done things differently, it wouldn’t be this way. SO IT’S ALL MY FAULT!
(I’m just following where this goes….it’s a new string…..I’m going to let it percolate….be back in a little while)
I’m having trouble going deeper with this. So I’ll tell you what happened even though I WASN’T GOING TO TELL YA’ALL THIS. I DON’T WANT TO OFFEND ANYONE…………..BUT HERE GOES…..
On Christmas Eve I was with my mom and her caretaker. We had a nice time. Quiet but cozy. We watched 4 movies………My son and his dad were not invited. COVID, you know. Sad, but true.
But, the next day I saw on the news that if you had COVID, there was very little chance of you getting it again for 6 months. And my son just had it……..hmmmmmm
So when my son called saying they had a lot of food, my mom and I invited them over. We stayed away from them, they cooked, we played music, danced and sang, and for the first time in a long time, we all experienced joy. I gave out presents, everyone was smiling and laughing and the fun continued. It was the happiest I had felt in a long time………….
[The music shifts to impending danger – the happy people don’t know what is about to befall them].
I get a text from my sister:
“Adam saw Mark and Jesse come into mom’s house without masks.”
I told her about the news and how we decided it was ok. No one has been near anyone and Jesse is safe so we did it.
“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? YOU TOLD JONATHAN YOU WEREN’T GOING TO DO THIS.”
Well, I don’t remember telling Jonathan anything except that I didn’t like being treated like the ass hole, but nonetheless, the evening turned terrible. She verbally abused me via text, told my mother and I that she couldn’t trust us, and told me that the reason I am treated like the ass hole of the family is because “I don’t do the right thing.”
She called my mother and berated her for a long time. I wouldn’t take the phone because I didn’t want to hear it.
The boys quickly left. I told my mother that I am never coming back. She wins and I’m done. I drove home even though I wasn’t planning to.
Then today, I found out very early in the morning that my plans for the day that I was really looking forward to were cancelled. Via voicemail. I didn’t even get to ask why.
I am now estranged from my family and have no plans for the day.
So what? I tell myself. I brought joy to my mom, trying to inject some fun and love into a not so nice situation, and my plans were changed. What’s the problem?
Here’s the thing: I don’t like being treated like the ass hole. I don’t like being disappointed or misunderstood. I don’t like counting on people and they don’t show up.
Where do I go when this happens?
I go to self blame. Somehow it’s my fault.
If I’m insulted, I blame myself. I run. I avoid the person.
Instead of thinking they are just a nasty, controlling bitch. Or a person with other stuff going on that doesn’t have to do with me.
I’m vaguely remembering that I just distinguished this on my last blog. That people act all sorts of ways and it doesn’t have anything to do with me. They are not responding to me. They are just doing THEIR LIVES.
I don’t think I did anything wrong. Spreading joy and love in a situation where my mother is made wrong for who she is all day long every day is not wrong. It saddens me to see her treated that way. I was trying to have both of them have more enjoyment in their lives. I don’t believe my mother should be treated that way.
My intentions were not only not appreciated, but I was treated like a wrong, evil ass hole. Did I speak up? Nope. I ran. Fuck you I said to my sister in my mind. I will just leave.
Mature? No. Habitual? Yes.
I run when it’s uncomfortable. I’ve been doing it since I was little. I would get picked on at the dinner table and run to my room. I would read and stay there where it was safe.
And I’m still doing it today. I am now in the safety of my own little beach cottage. Away from the ogres and witches in my little fairy tale.
I am FINE ALONE. No one can hurt me here.
I will consider forgiving myself and others at a later time. For now, I am going to enjoy being right about how I am the wronged victim. I am the good one who is seen as the bad one. Well, God knows my intentions were good.
Hail, hail the fair maiden who has to hide from the forces of evil.
Enjoy your Sunday.
Thanks for listening.
PS I will have to cut parts out if I write about this in my newsletter so I don’t offend the guilty parties. We will see. Maybe I will just pick another topic even though this one is GOOD!!!!!!